Sunday

Sunday's are hard for me. They always have been. I know that the church is true but it is so hard for me to attend church every Sunday. Today was a trial. I woke both girls up at eight. On hopped in the shower and one ate breakfast then they swapped. At 8:24 I told them both they had two hours to brush their teeth and so their hair. TWO hours. I left them to their vices. I showered and then bathed the boys and got me and the boys ready. At 10:21 I walked past the hall bathroom and one girl was still in the bathroom with her hair not done. I lost it, what the heck had she been doing for two hours in the bathroom. I told her she had ten minutes. I still had not brushed my teeth or put makeup on at this point. I went in my bathroom to finish getting myself ready when I thought what the heck if I don't do her hair it will look the same as it does now in church. I have been trying to teach the girls that on Sunday we need to make an effort we need to try harder. It's not getting thru. So I went in and did her hair. I curled it all then twisted and bobby pinned. Then look at the clock and realize that at this point we have twenty one minutes till church starts, thats plenty of time you might say but not for me. I brushed my teeth put on my make up grabbed a sweater then got the diaper bag ready. By the time we got in the car it was after 11. Church starts at 11. Then I put the key in and turn it and guess what????? We are out of GAS!!!!!! David works at a gas station, how the HELL are we out of gas?????? I was mad, I said some unkind words to David and he drove his car to the gas station to fill the gas can. Now you might ask why would they not just take David's car to church or walk? I tried walking I was to mad to walk all the way to church. It's only about a mile and a quarter and if I was walking alone and mad that would be nothing. But pushing the stroller with Treyven whining in his seat was not happening. By the time we got to Sacrament meeting the Primary Program had already started. We always sit in the back so in biggie. Treyven was horrible today. At one point David got up to use the restroom and Treyven was in my lap screaming. And of course every Tom, Dick and Sally has to turn their head around and see who's kid is making a fuss and then give me the mother a dirty look as if to say "why can't you shut your kid up", normally I ignore all these looks. Today I couldn't! Lets just say the people sitting in front of me will most likely steer clear of me anytime they see me coming! I took both boys out for a minute mad as hell and ready to go home when I decided "no, those people can just accept the fact that my kid is noisy and I am trying to teach him the importance of attending Sacrament meeting" so back in we went. I had David bring me and the babes home after Sacrament meeting. One meeting was all I could handle today. I don't really like putting myself in situations where I am made to feel smaller than others. I try so hard I really do. I know that the church is true but I at this point in my life cannot handle the way I feel about myself when I am at church. I am really struggling to find my place in my own life these days.  I want to be able to make enough money so that David can stay home with the boys during the day and not have to work at a job that he doesn't like and where he never gets any sleep and then during the day he has trouble focusing on the boys because he is so tired. I know that I am not a stay at home mom type of person. I need to work it helps me feel better about myself. I have no relationship with my daughters. Christy has been in Young Womens since June and not once have I sit down and talked to her about personal progress or ask her about her Tuesday night activities. I really dislike when Shadow is at our house because of my issues. I would rather David take care of all the boys needs. I am very selfish and that is one of the reasons that I don't want to be a stay at home mom. I dislike that we bought this crappy house. Even when it's clean it feels so dirty because its old and crappy. Anyways today is a very bad, no good, horrible day. I need a nap and then maybe I will be more positive. MAYBE!