I feel beaten.

More downsides of infertility. Yesterday David and I went and had some lab work done. We had our blood drawn here in San Diego and the blood was fed-exed to a lab in Los Angeles. I guess it's some special lab. And special labs come with special prices. I had to put over two thousand dollars on our credit card today for our blood to be processed. Today is not a good day. Things like this happen and I wonder if I really want to go thru all this. And it seems like every time I go to the doctor they find something else wrong with me. I don't think emotionally I can handle all this. It's days like this when I start questioning so many things. I wonder why I keep getting all these huge boulders thrown in my path and I wonder how am I ever going to be able to conquer it. We talked in Relief Society about how at the time of our trials they seem un-conquerable and then we look back and we can see that we stood on the top of the boulder and smiled because we had accomplished the task and the boulder has been removed from our path. Right now I feel like an ant looking up at Mount Everest and I feel despair and failure creeping in. Then I look at my relationship with Christy and wonder if I really want to ruin another child's life. I have spent the whole day so far in bed or on the couch watching TV. I have no motivation to do anything. My house looks like a tornado tore through our house and I don't even care. And because of all my crying now I have a headache. ICING on the CAKE! I also know that if we go thru all this and we don't succeed getting and staying pregnant, that that's it. There will be no more tries because once David gets out of the Navy we will not be able to afford it or have insurance coverage.